Wednesday, 26 October 2011

Insomnia (Part Two)

The worst part of insomnia is the fact that you stop looking forward to bed.

When things are all good and I don't have trouble sleeping, I bloody love my bed! Mmmm: soft cosy feather duvet; hot water bottle; big mug of tea; that feeling you get when you've had a busy day, and you're knackered out and can't wait to just drift off and dream...

But when I've got a lot on my mind, I fall out with my bed. I don't like it very much at all, and it doesn't seem to like me either. The pillows won't go comfy, the duvet cover gets tangled round my legs, I'm too hot or too cold. And no matter how long I lie there trying to daydream, or practicing my yoga-breathing, I just can't relax enough to sleep.

I start dreading night time. That's the worst bit of all. I can't seem to help myself- I just get the old sinking feeling that instead of slipping comfortably into unconsciousness, I will lie for hours listening to the inside of my own head. It becomes almost like a fear of bedtime!

Its a very difficult thing not to become your own worst enemy when it comes to things like insomnia. I get frustrated at myself for allowing a fear to develop, because once it's there it's self-fuelling. You're afraid to go to bed because you don't want to lie awake thinking, but now you're aware that you're likely to lie awake thinking, so you do. You might not have if you hadn't been worrying you would!

But I think we need to go easy on ourselves. Brains think- it's what they do. Try telling your brain not to think. Let me know how if you manage it.

Sometimes I can't sleep and that's just how it is. It's horrible but it's not every night, just a few patches here and there and before long I WILL be able to sleep again. It's only temporary, and that I can cope with.

So in the meantime I'll drink a chamomile tea, get my book out, do some menial task that will take my mind off whatever it's stuck on, write a list, plan what I'm going to do next week... maybe even write a blog. Whatever it takes to shift concentration from inside my head to outside. That usually does the trick eventually. Not a cure, not a magical remedy, not even particularly comforting, but it's the best I've got.

Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Talking About Aerobics

pic c/o    
People should talk more.

I don't mean I want to hear more details about what you had for tea or the discout vouchers you're going to use next time you go to the supermarket.

I mean people should tell each other what they think more.

I honestly don't know why it's so hard to do it, and I'm refering to myself here as much as anyone else. Why do we constantly tell white lies and cover up the truth when it feels so god damn good to get it out?

I also think people should do more excercize.

I work from home, and I work alone for the majority of the time. It keeps me busy; it also gives me a fair chunk of every day to contemplate things. How great does that sound, eh?

Well ok let me put it another way. Have you ever spent more than, say, 8 hours totally alone? You will find that after a certain length of time, you start to get a little bit fed up of your own company. For me it's kind of like spending 10 hours with someone who won't stop talking about themselves, moaning and analysing ridiculous details of their life.

And I do this on more or less of a daily basis, excluding weekends, festivals and christmas market stalls.

For the luxury of late mornings, daytime tv and no boss, I have sacrificed... basically... my sanity!

So to combat this, I indulge in things that let me blow off steam (like the violent freezer-defrosting incident). Today it was aerobics. Never for the life of me expected it to be my thing, but I've found a really good class. My instructor is a tiny but muscular lesbian with bleached hair and a wicked sense of humour. I love the music she plays, I get to strut up and down and do star-jumps for an hour, and not one person wears leg warmers. It's ace.

Sunday, 23 October 2011


So this is where I'm going to start.
Twenty to four in the morning. Work tomorrow. I've been in bed since 11pm and I've been wide awake the whole time.
So, yeah, not such a good day today.
This is how it goes, up and down, up and down. Sometimes up and up, but then always down again, and sometimes down and down and down. Where does it stop? I'm not sure I really want to find that out!
I haven't had a sleepless night like this in a while. I've got too much buzzing about inside me tonight.