Dreams are like windows into your mind: windows with strange warped glass that makes everything look a bit wierd, maybe... but if you look closely enough then you can piece together what's going on and how it relates to your state of mind.
I have vivid dreams, sometimes lucid. And I've decided to record them here. This is my dream diary
Friday 9th November
I'm not sure when exactly it was I learnt to wake myself up from dreams, but it's definately got something to do with lucid dreaming: when I know I'm dreaming, I know I can wake up. When I do it I just say a mental 'right, time to wake up' and I do. It can be a good thing when dreams turn that corner between wierd, and frightening.
I did it last night. And I woke up thinking 'that was by far the wierdest dream I've ever had' and coming from me... that is wierd! But then, on examining the symbology in the dream, the message suddenly became obvious. This is what I love about dreams, and one of those situations where you have to admit to yourself it must be more than merely a coincidence:
To set the scene to begin with, I am currently struggling with the pre-Christmas preparation madness that always comes with my business at this time of year. I have had a total of 2 days off in over a month, and am generally working between 10 and 15 hours a day. The strain is really beginning to show, and I am making mistakes, turning up late for meetings, forgetting to pay bills, that sort of thing... I know I need a day off but it's so hard when there are less hours in the day than hours needed to get through the mental to-do list!
So here's my dream, see what you think it might mean, I'll add the symbols at the end :
To begin with I am in the car with my parents. My Dad is driving. We're on our way back from somewhere, heading home, when things get a bit stressful and my Dad eventually realises we're WAY off course- in fact we're in Kent somewhere when we were supposed to be on the way to Herefordshire. And then the car breaks down, and we pull into the hard shoulder on this huge straight stretch of motorway. Somehow the car is, at once, a mixture between my Dad's smart saloon car, my Mum's sturdy estate car, and my van. My Dad sits in the front while my Mum and me get out to change the tyre. It's not an easy job, it involves getting underneath the van/car and unscrewing something to get the spare wheel. While we're struggling with it, a rainstorm comes over, and it starts hammering down. We shelter under the raised boot-door, but realise it's hopeless trying to fix the van/car in this weather, so we get back in.
Once we're in the van/car, I look out the back window and see a truck towing a car out from under a wide bridge a couple of hundred yards behind us, and suddenly realise there's a massive flood forming. I frantically tell my Dad, and he starts driving up the hard shoulder to get away from it. Next thing I know, it's a large wave of floodwater racing up the road behind us. We're barely managing to stay ahead of it, and I remember saying to my Dad 'There are no other cars on the road behind us!' Everyone else had got away from the flood and it was just us racing up the hard shoulder.
We do manage to escape the flood, and we pull into a service station. As we're driving up the road towards it, I see a magpie swoop down behind us. I say 'oh dear, one for sorrow,' and feel my stomach lurch because I don't want any more sadness. But then I realise it's not just one magpie, there are hundreds of them, all over the banks and in the trees by the roadside.
I want to stop and get some food here, but Mum and Dad aren't convinced, and my Dad carries on driving up the road past the services. We have to go through this gate, and I say to my Dad 'Is this a good idea, why don't we just stop at the services, there's not going to be anything down here' but he says nothing and just carries on driving. Now the van/car is a bus, and we're driving down this tiny coastal path. All I can think is 'we're never going to be able to turn the bus round on this tiny lane' but we carry on down it anyway. The coast around us is absolutely beautiful. I look over to my left and see what I think is more magpies in the sea. I say 'I didn't know magpies could swim' and then realise it's not magpies, it's puffins, fishing in the shallow water.
We all get out. Our surroundings are so strange, and yet I could feel every bit of them as if I was really there and it was all real. Rather than being at the coast, where I expected, we're somewhere with a low ceiling. The light is dim. It feels very enclosed. And that's when I realise that it's all kind of fake, like a theme park or a movie set or something. We're inside of something. There are sparkly lights in the ground, and the whole thing is moving: a bit like being inside a boat on a stormy sea- you can feel yourself being thrown about even thought it doesn't look like anything is moving. It's very hard to stay balanced. I don't like it AT ALL. It all feels wrong. I know that we need to get back to the road somehow, even though it's going to be a long and difficult walk, especially with my Dad's arthitis.
I start packing a bag with as much as I can carry. Mum and Dad have already left, but I know that's best- I can catch up with them quickly as my Dad can't move quickly, and we have to get out of here FAST. I'm filling my bag up with random bits and pieces- a bottle of milk because I know we need liquid and my Dad doesn't like water, but does get bad stomachs and I think that maybe the milk will help if the whole situation is stressing him out. 3 bananas: one each because we're probably going to get hungry; all my valuables, my phone and wallet and things; hair straightners and hairdryer (in real life I don't even have a hairdryer, and haven't used hair straighteners in about 10 years). I look over and my childhood teddybears are lying on the ground. I want to take my most special one, but I don't have room, so I give him a hug and leave him behind.
Outside the wierd low-ceiling-room, a maid is cleaning the floor. I ask her if there is a way out and she says yes- turn left and there is an elevator behind a tree. Then she says something that I'm a little confused by, but basically it seems this elevator only goes up every 4 years, and it's either leaving in 15 minutes or 36 hours. I opt for the 15 minutes, and realise we really don't have much time to get there, so we rush off. The odd thing is that we came in from the right, but the elevator- the way out is in the opposite direction- to the left.
There seem to be quite a few trees around. I spot one with a alleyway behind it, and a line of people. I want to be sure this is the elevator, so I ask around and discover that yes, this is it. Everyone is waiting for it, we need to get in the queue. At this point I get very frightened that we're not going to fit in the elevator, and I don't want to know what happens if we don't make it. I feel in two minds about it because I want to know where the elevator will take us, but I'm so afraid of the alternative, that I wake myself up.
So according to my favourite dream definitions website, these are what the symbols in the dream mean:
Driving down a motorway: your life's path, your own personal journey and your sense of direction. Being driven represents your dependence on the driver
Parents: power, shelter, love
Breakdown: pushing yourself too hard, driving yourself close to your physical limits and risking illness
Rainstorm: overwhelming struggle, particularly emotional
Flood/ wave: emotional issues and tension, overwhelming repressed emotions
Empty road: nothing to show from your efforts, empty optimism
Service station: rest (not stopping would then mean not resting, and I take the bed symbol to mean rest as well, and the fact that I couldn't sleep in it would also mean not resting)
Bus: a lack of control in your life
Coast: a meeting of the rational and irrational parts of your mind
Fishing puffins: looking for answers and confronting problems, digging into your own unconscious, experiencing tension and anxiety and needing leisure and relaxation
Flying bus: a lack of control in your life, the fear I felt about landing probably represents fear of challenges, fear of non succeeding
Crash: setting overly high goals for yourself or a lack of confidence in your ability to succeed
Earthquakes, moving ground: instability, insecurity, a sense of helplessness
Packing: big changes ahead, burdens
Hairdryer: a need to clear your head, get a new perspective
Teddy bear: lost security/ comfort
Asking the maid for help: relying on others, needing help from others
Tree: new hopes and growth
Going to the left: passivity
Coming from the right: doing the right thing, being on the right path
The numbers 4, 15 and 36: 4 symbolises physical limitations and hard labour, 15 symbolises problems disappearing, 36 symbolises inhibitions. Strangely, the website also suggests adding the numbers together. 4+1+5+3+6=19, which symbolises overcoming personal struggles!
The Earth: FRAGILE: a need to be grounded, being vulnerable
Petrol station: a need to reenergise, running low on energy, needing to take time out to refuel.
Queue: needing to have patience, to learn to wait and not have to have everything right away.
Sunday 20th MayPretty horrible dream last night, which was surprising after such a good day!
The start of the dream has, as usual, gone now. But what I do remember is turning up to some sort of event being put on at what seemed to be a bar/restaurant/cinema type place. There were chairs out in rows and a screen at the front and we were all sitting down ready for something. I have a feeling it was some kind of positive thinking/ doing the right thing/ why-don't-we-all-just-look-at-it-this-way kind of talk.There were definately some posters knocking about with the usual positive-thinking messages on them. The one I was particularly struck by was reminding us that Jesus told us something or other blah blah blah... but it had something to do with a thorn. (Not sure if there actually is a bible story about a thorn, but it my dream it was very meaningful.)
I was so angry! Basically, whoever was putting this talk on had placed these thorns around as a way of demonstrating the effect of the positive-thinking-Jesus-thorn poster. But it was damn clear that what they'd done was really stupid. I couldn't believe they'd risk injuring people just to make some point about positive thinking.
Now my foot was bleeding and I left the room to go and sort it out. Next I remember showing it to someone and I just managed to catch my other foot with my nail. But somehow in doing this, I'd carved a huge gash into my left heel! So now I couldn't walk at all, and I was seriously upset by this. I knew I had to go to work today, and that I'd be on my feet all day. I knew that it hurt now, but it would hurt even more tomorrow!
And that's where the dream ended.
Thursday 3rd MayWhen I woke up from my dream last night, I was so bemused by it all, I carefully retraced it in my mind, trying to get it to stick so I wouldn't forget it. After that I fell asleep and had even more crazy dreams. Now my head is so full of it all, I think most of it has blurred together or gone completely. I will try to remember it as well as I can.
I was leading a group somewhere. The reason for it has completely gone now, but what I do remember is a high level of tension and fear about what was going on. People's lives were at stake and I had to protect them. I've got the word 'magic' in my head, but I'm not entirely sure why. I just have a feeling I had some sort of magical ability in the dream.
What was it that I was trying to work out?! There was something specific but for the life of me I can't remember it. Still, what I do know is that I was puzzling over a device that I had taken to The Sandman... or maybe he had shown it to me. I can stil vaguely remember what it looked like- a black box that opened up, with dials and lights and electronic parts inside. I was trying to work out what it did, and The Sandman was helping me by giving me little clues, and I realised that it had something to do with television. I think I worked out that it was some sort of recording device for a journalist- but in discovering this, I also discovered that it was all a lie: that it couldn't work, it couldn't be true. I remember the moment of horrifying realisation. But what was it that I had realised was a lie? That part is missing from my memory.
The dream ended very strangely. A close friend of mine was sitting in a pool. Thinking of the pool now, it scares me. It was small but really really deep, and it was a kind of muddy greenish colour. It just looked like a spa-pool you get in holiday resorts, but I knew there was something not right about it. I took a photo of it, and when I looked at the picture, my friend wasn't in it. The photo was of fiercely turbulent water, like a huge beast was forcing its way through the surface of the water at great speed. I instantly knew my friend had to get out of the water. I remember trying to explain to him that there was something horribly wrong with the pool, and showing him the photograph.
And I know there was so much more in the dream, but it's faded.
My dreams tend to fall into three categories: I have lucid dreams where I can change and bend what's happening. I know I'm dreaming and I can decide what I want to happen next (though it doesn't always happen like I want!) Then there are the dreams where my brain re-hashes things I've seen and thought about before I fell asleep. This is why I don't tend to watch or read frightening things before bed! These dreams are often like watching a film, and the references to TV I've watched, or books I've read, are obvious. Then there are the wierd unexpected dreams where random things happen and I wake up wondering what it was all about.
I would have expected this dream, with all its Sandman references, to be from the second category of dreams. But the odd thing about this particular one is that I haven't watched TV, or read anything, in a few days. I haven't read The Sandman in months.
Sunday 29th April
Last night I had one of those dreams where you get something you so badly want in your waking life, that when you wake up you just wish you were asleep again.
|he looked something like this|
I only remember the second half of the dream, nothing leading up to it. I was somewhere unfamiliar with a group of people, and I’d met this guy. I remember him standing in front of me. I pictured him so vividly in my dream but the image is much fuzzier now. All I know is that he wasn't anyone I know in real life. He was a couple of inches taller than me, shortish thick dark messy hair, quite tanned skin, dark eyes, with a kind of average build. He wasn’t what I’d call beautiful, but something about him made me fancy him. I knew that because I got knots in my stomach when I spoke to him.
So we were there standing next to each other and I decided I had to speak to him, and before I knew it, I was asking him out, and he was saying he was really glad I asked and yeah he’d love to hook up.
Next thing I know (no time went by in the dream, but it did that bendy thing time does when you’re dreaming, so I know that time had gone by), we’re in love- that kind of floating, bubbling, nervous love you get when you’re falling for someone but still getting to know them. I remember him kissing me really tenderly and my stomach doing cartwheels.
And then we went into what I think was the bathroom, to get away from the rest of the group, and we started fooling around. But for some reason it’s not just the two of us now, there’s another woman with us. There seemed to be this kind of closeness with the whole group we were with. Neither of us really wanted this woman here but it was still perfectly natural that she was joining in. I think, weirdly, it was a famous person like Susan Meyer or someone similar looking but younger. She was sitting behind my new boyfriend and she was getting jealous. I remember reaching around him and kind of hugging her and bringing her towards us, but she didn’t want to be behind him, she wanted to be in front and for me to sit behind him, and she was getting a bit stubborn and whiney about it. But while we felt a bit sorry for her, we both knew we just wanted each other. I can’t remember what happened, but she must have left because next thing I can remember, it’s just the two of us again.
Now we’re having sex but there are people outside the room and I think the door is open. I've got a funny feeling a kid walked in on us and that it might have been the guy's baby brother... We were finding the whole thing hilarious though, and just hugging each other close and giggling.
I was so wrapped up in the feelings of love and closeness, it was like actually being in love again, and waking up from that straight back into reality was kind of gutting.
Thursday 20th April
I've had flying dreams for as long as I can remember. As a child, flying used to be almost impossible. I had to do a vigorous breast-stroke motion, and could barely get a metre off the ground. Then one day I spoke to my Dad about flying dreams and he told me that for him, it was just a case of floating off and ever since then I have been able to float away with very little effort. Sometimes I have wings, but mostly I just float through the sky- I decide where I want to go and that's where I go.
But over the last couple of years, flying seems to have become an escape route when my dreams get so emotional I don't want to deal with the issues any more! And flying seems to have got difficult again- not in the same way as before- I can still float about without having to 'swim' through the air. But last night in particular, I couldn't go as high or as fast as I wanted to.
Tuesday 3rd April
Next I was sitting at a table in a picnic area. I got up to do something, and when I came to sit back down again, I was now part of a group and we actually were going on holiday somewhere. Mrs Kenyon was stood in the centre of the group, going through the itinery of the holiday. (Mrs Kenyon, in real life, was a school teacher of mine at high school. She absolutely hated me, always gave me low marks no matter how hard I tried, told me off even when I hadn't done anything, nothing I did was ever good enough to please her...)
The tables had filled up. There was one spot at the table I'd been sitting at before, but I didn't know anybody there- they were all complete strangers, and the empty seat was right in the middle, I would've had to clamber over people I didn't know to get in. So I didn't want to sit there.
A friend of mine was sitting with another group on the far table. She hadn't looked at me, she was just smiling and joking with the group. I went to sit with them, but then I remembered she was ignoring me, so I couldn't go over there either.
The only table left was the one right under Mrs Kenyon's nose. There was one guy sat at the table- a shy, lonely looking kid. I sat down but I didn't look at him or say hello- I just sat with my back to him.
I knew that by walking away, I'd lost my chance to go on holiday. I wanted to go SO badly, but I just couldn't take that bullying, and I couldn't stand up to her because she was the teacher and I was the pupil. So instead I watched the bus leave without me. My friend was sat in the window, but she didn't even look round.
That's when I woke up, with a sad feeling in my chest.
Tuesday 6th March
Everyone's talking about having vivid dreams at the moment. Maybe it's our brains waking up for spring?
Last night I had another of my recurring moving house dreams. I was with my family, moving into a sprawling bungalow that had been lived in and then left abandoned. It needed some work done, but we were going to do it ourselves and I was really looking forward to it.
But, as with most of these recurring house dreams, there was no bedroom for me.
The front door opened up into this large hallway, which had a small kitchen connected to it, and through that was another hallway with a ladder that went up to the master bedroom, which had an ensuite bathroom and was already nicely furnished. Obviously, this was going to be Mum and Dad's room, no questions asked.
That was the end of the dream, but all those empty boxes concealing the bedroom... that really sticks in my mind.
Monday 20th February
These dreams are odd because of their almost predictive nature... Coincidence or not, I do find it wierd that sometime we dream things and they really do happen.
Two very emotionally intense dreams last night. In the first I was, for the second time recently, in the middle of a war. I was getting ready to go and fight- loading up my hip bag with things that I was going to need. But I knew Death was coming for me and the feeling of sadness is hard to describe, not to mention the fear.
That's when I woke up, full of nerves and sadness. But I fell asleep again and had another dream.
Now I was taking the same friend to a workshop on energy and movement: focussing on stretching and moving and finding inner balance. We had to drive to the hall where it was taking place. I didn't know the area (some suburban part of the city), I couldn't find anywhere to park, and time was getting on. We drove past the hall, where people were getting out of cars parked up on the roadside. I distinctly remember a skinny hippy-ish looking man wearing a green jumper, who was helping a handicapped man in a wheelchair out of a minibus. There were lots of families, lots of children.
Eventually we found a carpark a little way away from the hall. I parked the van and left my friend to get our stuff out of the back while I went to get a ticket, but when I got back my friend was frustratedly trying to slam the door, saying it wouldn't shut. It looked like something was about to get broken, so I angrily stepped in and said to just stand aside while I sorted it out. Somehow, my friend had managed to trap half a nearby bush in the door of my van. It was so well stuck, I had to pull the van forwards to get it out, but then the van stalled and wouldn't start again, and now I was blocking in the little red car. The driver was understanding, but I was just so stressed out and angry by this point.
Eventually I managed to get things sorted, but by this time we were about quarter of an hour late for the workshop and I decided it would be rude to turn up and interrupt the session 1/4 way through, so we just got back in the van and drove home.
In the couple of days after these dreams, I got into my van to find it wouldn't start. And a horrible war broke out in Syria between the people and their government.
Wednesday 11th January
Last night's dreams were really powerful. I was in an unfamiliar town and I was pregnant. I had to get back somewhere, and the only route was this long road through what looked like a huge beach or estuary. The sea was out to the left hand side, land to the right. The landscape to either side of the road was totally flat except for the odd pile of spikey rocks jutting out of the ground (like you get at beaches).
There was a group of us now, and it seemed like we were all heading to the same place, but half the group went a different way for some reason. I set off down the road with determination. Some others followed me, but I think I was out ahead of them. Before long though, someone pointed out that the tide was coming in, quick!
I was a long way along the road now, but the place I wanted to get to was far away. I started to get that feeling of panic you get when you're a long way out on a beach and the tide comes in fast around you, and the sand becomes sticky and you start to wonder if you're going to get trapped.
The tideline to the left was getting bigger and bigger.
But I kept on, my eyes focussed on the point on the horizon where I was headed. And now the waves were coming in, sweeping across the road. Every wave that came was bigger than the last and with every wave, my hope of reaching the end of the road decreased.
It got harder and harder to walk and I was very aware of being pregnant, and very tired. Each step became like wading through tar, I could barely move my legs. And now the waves were giants, towering above me and crashing down around me. I headed for the rocks to shelter me, but realised the waves crashing on the rocks were even worse than the ones just crashing on the ground around me.
Now there were just 3 of us on the road. The end point seemed to be getting further and further away and it became clear that there was no way we were going to make it.
But now we came to a couple of boarded up houses at the roadside. We ran into a doorway just in time to shelter from what seemed to be a mini tidalwave, when we found a guy using the house as a hideout- not from the waves but from some kind of battle that he was a part of.
Now, somehow, there were cars and buses driving on the road, and the guy helped to get us onto a bus. Ok, so it was driving back the way we came rather than onto where I was trying to get to... but at least we were safe now!
At the end of the dream, we re-grouped with the others for a kind of debriefing, as if we'd been part of some sort of mission. I never did get to the place I was heading.
8th August 2011
Although my dream last night was really vivid at the time, it vanished quickly in the morning, and I really had to concentrate to remember these bit of it. There's still a lot missing, but that seems to have gone now.
There was a group of us in the dream, all strangers. We were heading to this kind of safe-house, which turned out to be this amazing wooden building that seemed to be carved straight from the trees- all wooden walls and carved wooden spiral staircases. I don't know why I'd been taken here- I know it wasn't good, I was being hidden from something dangerous- but I was still excited to explore the place, it was beautiful.
I left the hall and continued up the stairs, and next thing I know, I'm outside on a gravel beach with the group. I remember a black man, and a white woman with a young daughter. The man seemed to be looking after the two of them- I think there was some sort of love interest between the man and woman.
We were allowed to explore the beach, but couldn't go far because it was dangerous for us to be outside for long.
And then suddenly the love interest wasn't with the single mum, it was with me. The man was looking after me now, and at one point we kissed. It felt a bit odd that such a short time ago he'd been with someone else, but it was still nice to feel protected, and he did genuinely seem to care for me.
There were beautiful stones and pieces of crystal on the beach. Most of them had been put there for a reason and I couldn't take them, but I did pick up and keep this amazing stone that was dome-shaped and had rings of different shades of blue. I also found a huge chunk of rose quartz. I took my stone back to show the guy, and that's when I woke up.
The imagery of these stones on the beach, particularly the blue one I picked up, was so strong, I decided to have a look online to see if I could find out what kind of stone it was. I instantly discovered it was agate. I'm not particularly into crystals, but since this stone had been so vivid in my dream, I had a look at the supposed qualities of blue agate, and was quite surprised by what I read. It just seemed to resonate with how I was feeling. So the next day I went to a crystal shop to see if I could find one... and there, sitting in a box of various shapes and sizes of blue agate, was the exact stone I'd seen in my dream... so I bought it!